A quick confession! Recently, I struggled to avoid depression for about a couple of days. This was right after a short period of listlessness. It was an internal battle of the mind. So many thoughts; unaccomplished results despite hard work, abandoned tasks, myriad heart desires that seemed like a far cry from reality. I just felt lost and longed to be found. I have people to talk to but I didn’t want to transfer my melancholic mood to anyone who cares about me. I felt I would get over it faster than whoever I dump the burden on. So I kept holding it all in and tried acting normal. If there is one tool I know the devil takes advantage of to torment people; it’s secrecy.

Devil’s lies

One morning, he (the devil) began to draw my attention to even more things to worry about and in my head I could hear thoughts like “are you supposed to be making excited posts of yourself on social media at a time like this?” “Do you know how much expectations those people watching have of you?” “If anyone should be reserved, it should be you till the time is right”. I felt awful, to say the least and I had a strong desire to talk to someone before I lose my mind.

I frantically searched my mind for the best person to share the weight in my heart with. ‘It has to be a man I can confide in, so I don’t make the person feel like the world has come to an end when I start crying’ I thought to myself. Certainly not hubby. He was at work and I actually wanted a neutral mind to dump my pains on. As I thought about this I also wondered what I wanted from such person. Was it pity or just a listening ear and then consolation? I didn’t want to be pitied like a tragedy happened and if I just needed someone to dump my pains on I could as well just voice it out to God. As a matter of fact, I thought, He should be the perfect candidate. My pains can never subdue him and He only could understand me beyond how I could verbally express.

God- A Special Father

I began to talk to God like I could see Him right beside me. I couldn’t finish my first sentence before I started crying. ‘Alright, fine! Let’s do this properly then.’ I didn’t want to attract neighbors. I connected my phone to the speaker so it could be loud enough to absorb my voice, turned on the music player on my phone and played praise songs. Then I hung it all out- I hadn’t heard myself cry so loud in many years. I started to narrate all that worried me; leaving no single detail out. I complained of how I had become so overwhelmed that I have even lost inspiration to write and in the middle of my narration, God seemed to say

“Hold on, wasn’t your last post about 3 reasons to be grateful?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe you should see what you wrote.”

I quickly searched for the post and jumped to the ‘Why thank God’ section. As soon as I began to read through, I knew definitely God was right beside me having this conversation. It was a very direct talk. I wiped my eyes immediately. I could almost feel him physically telling me what to do when I got the ‘How to be grateful’ section. I realized I hadn’t actually written my new request list this year so I went through the previous list again, crossed out one request that I no longer wanted, ticked about two more answered prayers, turned to a fresh page and then made a new request list. It was a very calming experience.

I totally felt like a kindergarten kid who had just started crying all over the father with a lot of requests and the dad just said “Alright, why not just write them all out and hand the list over to me. Don’t worry, I’d get them for you soon, okay?” You know how that child feels? Very confident. I know this because I had felt that way several times as a kid when my dad promised me anything. I went out and bragged about it to my friends as if I already had it. The feeling was very much the same that day especially after I read Philippians 4:6-7 –

 Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Peace Beyond Understanding

It is true, there was literally calmness in my mind and joy went with it like ‘really, I have a lot of things to be happy and thankful about.’ I wondered how I ever considered those rubbish thoughts the devil presented that made me felt bad about expressing my joy on the internet. To even think that the devil chose to use the events and pictures of the day I was most euphoric this month as his tool to dampen my joy even made me see myself as being gullible (if not silly) for listening to him at all.

Don’t believe the lies the devil tells you about yourself. You are far above them all. Did I mention that I didn’t even get to cry as long as I thought I would? **Smiles. Yeah, in about 5 minutes I was already dried eyed. It was a practical mood swing for me after I finished writing down my requests. The praise songs were still blaring off the speaker and I stood up to dance to my satisfaction and of course to the disappointment of the devil. You can avoid depression too. Just release yourself to God as a child to a father and let him heal you.

Marinate on this till next time.

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